Captain Arthur Schaffner (1930-2017) was a retired Los Angeles police news reporter and Army vet who somehow ended up in LPC's crosshairs around 2012 and stayed there for years. LPC literally had him saved in his phone as "Asshole." The man earned it.

  What Made Arthur Special

  Arthur—nicknamed "The Gargler" by fans for his distinctive gravelly voice—was genuinely unpleasant. Racist, conspiracy-minded, and perpetually furious. LPC described him bluntly: "just a violent human being... incredibly racist and hateful and just a horrible person." Most prank call victims are innocent bystanders caught in absurdist situations. Arthur was different. You didn't feel bad for him. You watched him dig himself deeper with every call.

  He claimed to be "the biggest reporter in the United States and four countries overseas." He identified himself as "a federal police news reporter" whose "license says I've been here since 1960." None of this made sense. All of it was delivered with complete conviction.

  The Calls

  "President Hater" (LPC 10, 2013) — The definitive Arthur experience. LPC and associates call him pretending to be DHL, UPS, random restaurants demanding COD payment. Arthur melts down repeatedly, accusing everyone of coordinated harassment, threatening to trace phone lines. It ends with some guy named Frank claiming he was "sent to Arthur's room" from Berry Hill. Pure chaos.

  "Fox News" (LPC 11, 2014) — LPC calls as "Tyrone from the NAACP" soliciting donations for a program called "What's Crackin'?" Arthur's response: "No I don't give out no donations for nobody" before pivoting to "Get Hitler out of the White House." The Paralyzed Veterans of America also calls. Arthur remains combative with disabled veterans.

  "Historical Hair 1 & 2" (LPC 13-14) — A sprawling saga involving deliveries from "HistoricalHair.com." Arthur appears alongside other targets in these medley tracks, struggling with package deliveries he never ordered.

  Why It Works

  There's something darkly satisfying about watching LPC's polite, deadpan absurdity collide with Arthur's volcanic hostility. Most victims get confused, play along, or hang up. Arthur escalated. Every time. He'd threaten, rant, claim authority he didn't have, and keep answering the phone.

  He appeared on every LPC album from 9 through at least 14. Sixteen documented calls. The man never learned to just not pick up.

  Arthur died in 2017. His son Rob, who owned the cult LA video store Mondo Video, passed in 2019. The Schaffner saga is closed, but the recordings remain—a weird, uncomfortable monument to one angry guy who kept answering his phone.

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  Sources:
  - https://talkinwhipapedia.fandom.com/wiki/Arthur_Schaffner
  - https://talkinwhipapedia.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Calls_to_Arthur
  - https://talkinwhipapedia.fandom.com/wiki/President_Hater
  - https://talkinwhipapedia.fandom.com/wiki/Fox_News